Life

Bleeders Can Be Choosers

As I prepared to punch the nearly quarterly clock at “Vampires R Us”, I was soon to find out my blood letting of choice was not available! A compromise was reached, and this is how it went….

The same pleasant lady greeted me at the front desk at Carter Blood Care. (I have periods of blood giving frequency. Presently, I am trying hard to give at every opportunity. My favorite giving of choice is “double red”. They pump blood out and then pump it back in after the red blood cells are removed) My goal is to only submit myself to a needle every 16 weeks. This gives me the satisfaction of doing good and only having to deal with the annoying screening process as infrequently as possible. Less annoying means I don’t make excuses for doing something good. Our encounter went like this:

As the greeter got me to sign in and gathered the necessary IDs, she asked me,"What    blood type are you?"
Without hesitation, I said, "O+". (I didn't say "plus sign", it was just easier to
type.)
"And, what type of donation did you want to do today?", she inquired.
"Double red.", I said without hesitation.
With a slight pause she stated, "We are not taking double red for O+ today, but we can use your platelets or whole blood. Can I go ahead and get you going on a platelet      donation?"
Now, my turn to hesitate. "How long does it take?"
"It may take up to 2 hours.", she informed me.
"Since I haven't done platelets before, I guess I can do it once.", I replied with     additional hesitation.
"Great! With platelets you can come back and give again in 2 weeks. (Note my previous  comments about quarterly time clock punching.) Have you taken aspirin in the past 48   hours?"
"Unfortunately, I have.", I mumbled.(Aspirin thins the blood & frustrates the platelet gatherers.)
"Then, lets go ahead and get you in for whole blood today!"
"Okay. At least I will get out quickly.", I said as I acquiesced.

The rest of the donation went pretty uneventfully. My “screener” had to spend some extra time making sure our cruise in the Caribbean did not give me a “fail” for today’s donation. One woman I met in the reception area was there for “mommy time” while doing platelets. She was trying to sell me on how great it is doing platelets. She brings her own movies and just enjoys herself for 2 hours. Unfortunately, while I was giving, I saw her walk out after leaving the screener’s door. For some reason, she didn’t make it past the screening process. Maybe an aspirin or a tattoo or a fail on any of those other crazy questions regarding where you have been, who you have been with, or what you have done to your body lately.

After meeting my “blood collection technician”, I couldn’t help but ask if she was pregnant. (I guess it takes guts to ask this of the woman poking you with a needle, but sometimes I just need to know. The same question at a garage sale we hosted did not turn out as well…) She answered “yes”, and we had a brief discussion on, “If you are going to have a toddler boy with long hair you should at least dress them in something not gender-neutral to save ‘friendly’ people from any embarrassment when asking what you call your daughter.” Since it only took 8 minutes to fill the bag, it did not allow for much additional conversation. Once the bag was full, she gave a tug on the needle and asked me to put a little pressure on the “entry point”. The blue, stretchy wrap she used to circumnavigate my arm had a duel purpose. Besides holding the gauze in place over the wound, the “blue, stretchy wrap” roll doubled as my squeezy toy I was instructed to squeeze every few seconds while my blood was filling the bag.

It ruined my day to be told I would need to limit my tobacco and alcohol usage, but some how I found the strength to rise off the gurney to engage in the final part of the ritual – the snack. Once the snack and liquid were consumed (They asked I sit 10-15 minutes before leaving. Really, more of a guideline then a rule.), I had a brief dialogue with the nurses closest to the snack area.

"You feeling okay?, she asked.
"Considering it is my first time giving, I guess I am okay.", I said while taking a    step with a slight deliberate stutter in it...almost a tripping motion.
"Could almost give in your sleep, huh?", she replied in a non-concerned manner.
"Pretty much", I said as I tripped the rest of the way out the door. (not really)

The greeter/good-byer couldn’t help but ask if I would schedule my next appointment. I don’t blame her persistence. However, I am the kind of guy who digs in his heels if he has to continue saying, “No” to the same question. Since they didn’t want my blood in its desired form today, I did have some concern whether they would even want my old, boring O+ on January 15th. As good as it feels to give blood to help others, bleeders can be choosers.

My Son, The Network Marketer

My son gave me a call yesterday afternoon. He let me know he would be late coming home. He was going with his friend to an “opportunity meeting” of a particular network marketing company. He assured me he would not “get in”, and we left it at that.

A few hours later, right before the meeting was going to start (I can only guess his friend was really talking up this opportunity before the meeting), we had a text conversation that went something like this:

Son: I think I am going to sign up. I can make my money back quick.
Me: Please don’t!
Son: Why not?
Me: It is your money, but I will not support you unless we talk about it first. Your
friend makes money when you get in. I discourage this highly!

He then went “dark” for a couple of hours. He had signed up for this “great” opportunity. Unfortunately, he seemed to be following in my footsteps:

In my early 20s, I did join Amway. (My brother joined first. I just followed him along to the meetings and the events.) It was a social outlet. I didn’t have the conviction to sell the product. I bought a few items, but always seemed to be buying things I didn’t need to keep up my “points”. I used the excuse I was too young when it came to contacting “successful” people. I did sponsor a few, but either I was not very good at it, OR they were not really that interested. If I had the chance to talk to my son first, I would have told him about this. Maybe it would have changed his actions.
In my 30s, a friend joined Shaklee. He was really sold on a couple products they had available. (I believe they were for air filtration.) I made no effort to build a Shaklee business by getting my friends in. I advertised in the local “suburban” newspapers and tried to sell the product. I forgot how long I did this, but I don’t believe I got one phone call. If my son wanted some of my thoughts on network marketing, I would let him know that despite any claims he may have heard or who endorses the company, the product does NOT sell itself.
In my 40s, I signed up with Ignite. They sell energy and gas in a few southern and north eastern states. They started in Texas (where I live now). So, although Texas is a big state, there are many companies that resell electricity in Texas. Although I believe Ignite/Stream has a quality product, there are other choices. If you are shopping price only, they are probably not your cheapest choice. But, they will be there tomorrow. Within the next couple of months, Ignite will also offer cellular services. They are not the only company or the first company to provide wireless service through a network marketing organization. If someone buys a service “product” from me, it is either because I was first to ask OR they are related to me. Selling a utility is more than just the product-you are also depending on their customer service and support. Many people are hesitant to switch providers for services/utilities they rely on. Some will, but some will refuse. Since my sons new network marketing company sells services, I would have been happy to explain this to him before he paid his substantial membership fee.

Will his money be wasted? I doubt it. I hope he can develop a business and be successful at it. (I am NOT negative network marketing, but I am aware of the statistics and facts.) If he does not have the success he thought he signed up for, then losing a little money in pursuit of a dream-no matter how sincere-is not such a bad thing. We can hope our kids will come to us and seek our feedback on many thing ESPECIALLY things we have already gone through. We can also hope they attend college for 4 years with straight A’s and get the perfect degree before marrying their perfect spouse and before having their perfect little house full of kids.

If raising kids had a formula that guaranteed each kid would clear life hurdles perfectly when the equation was completed, the government would legislate it. (Of course, this would guarantee the perfect formula would still fail.) Despite my excessive blabberings/encouragements/rants/stale-jokes and sermonettes, I continue to have a number of experiences my kids haven’t brushed up against yet. When I am not volunteering “guidance”, I am listening for a dad’s favorite question, “What do you think, dad?”

The Scale Really Is Broken

My wife has been saying it for a number of weeks as she went on a very successful diet. I kept refusing to admit her critique of our scale had any merit. I tried to blame it on high humidity, low temperature or the scale just having a bad day. However, the facts can no longer be ignored, the scale is really broken.

After dreading the visit to the doctor where my physical would take place, I arrived and was quickly admitted to my own private room. Before making me aware of my accommodations, I did hop on the scale. Although my shoes were off, the weight did come in more than I expected – approximately the 6 pounds my wife had been telling me our home scale was off. While enjoying my excellent room and bed, I was prodded, pressured (as in blood), pulsed, and poked (in one of my most unfavorite ways). Considering my age, the quick evaluation made me look like a healthy old man. (This physical was far better than the Valentine’s Day physical of 2008. One particular “poking” seemed especially wrong on that day.) I did have an one odd finding…one ear was hoarding the ear wax and the other one was clean…???

Since there was nothing else serious to talk about, the doctor did have to mention the news provided by “their” broken scale. While my weight is less than 10% more than what it was when I graduated from High School, I still was sensitive about his comments. So, despite my near daily walking, almost daily vitamins, and attempts to get 7-8 hours of sleep every night, I can do better. (The fruits of Halloween do deserve some blame for the excessive weight spiking. Just because something whispers my name and won’t stop until I eat it is no excuse. I am an adult and should be immune to such childish contrivances.)

Going forward, a couple of possibilities exist:

I can crank the scale back so it “zeroes” below zero but still gives me the weight I want to see.
I can heed the advise of the doctor’s lying scale. I can add 6 lbs to my scales delivered weight until I am within the doctor’s recommendations.
I can move to a planet with a lesser gravity and greater accuracy in its weight providing equipment
I can cut off appendages until the necessary weight is achieved.

So, as tempting as these options are, I really am just going to have to make some goals. Whether it is “no noodle” November or “no sandwich” Sundays, I will have to have a plan and stick to it. Assuming all of the test come back within range and I don’t have to see the doctor again soon, I have a year to lose my weight or…move to Venus.

An Anti-Cheerleader

As my kids continue to grow and show a fair amount of success, I have found my role as “anti-cheerleader” is not a solitary one. Of course, I will be there to support them and attempt to out yell my wife as we cheer them to the finish line. I will ask them how they did on a test. If they reply they got the extra credit and got over 100%, I will still tell them great job. However, I do have a darker side…

I truly want them to do their best in whatever they do. I want the cross country medals to accumulate, and I want the report cards to reflect how bright my children are in EVERY subject. As much cheer as I may push up through my aging pours and out of my receding gum lined mouth, I secretly rejoice when the reply to my questions is not stated with a smile and absolute beamingness! I do want my children to fail or at least disappoint themselves sometimes. And, it is this warped and un-American view that makes me an anti-cheerleader.

The anti-cheering can present itself in a variety of ways. These are only a few examples:

At a recent cross country meet, a male runner (a sophomore) at my girl’s school finished second in the state meet. He was beaten by a senior, so it all seemed to be as it should be. When I spoke to the boy’s father, the father also told me he was secretly cheering for the other boy. He did not want his son to have success too early. He wanted his son to struggle and have to strive for being the best in state for at least another year. After his admission, we did the secret “anti-cheer” handshake. It is pretty secret, but did involve handshakes used on “Mork & Mindy” and “Star Trek” while giving a Bronx cheer. (i.e. raspberry)
My daughter worked very hard on a paper the night before it was due. She had known about it for a week, but chose to wait until the very last minute to try and get it done. If she would have gotten it done earlier, the teacher could have provided feedback on her rough draft. Since she chose to begin and complete her paper in one evening, I secretly hoped she didn’t get an “A” on her paper. She probably did fine, but not all of my “anti-cheering” cheers have equal success!
Anti-cheering can have some darker moments. My exchange daughters are not the most athletic, but they tried out for basketball. Their skills have plenty of room for improvement, but since so few girls tried out for the team, they could easily make the team by default. There is not cutting of players when you don’t have enough to cut. If they choose to play, we will have to work around a very ugly practice schedule (one gym shared by 4 teams [junior high and high school of both genders] ,means before school, after school, and at other school are all options.) The true darkness on this type of anti-cheering comes from my laziness-or, as I prefer to refer to it-my busyness.
A friend of mine’s son has made a few bad decisions lately. As his son’s court date nears, he wants his son to escape with minimal pain from the legal process. (The lawyer fees have prevented the lesson from being absolutely painless.) But, he wants the judge to assess his son’s situation, and make the penalty harsh enough that making future bad decisions will not pass the “it is so worth it” test! (I believe this is the true high end of anti-cheering.)

Please don’t be offended or call Children’s Services on me. I think many children today have lost the ability to “fail with dignity”. They believe they are required to meet all of their parents goals for them. Even if children don’t understand their parents are living vicariously through them, they feel the pressure to achieve to their parents expectations–whatever the cost! They see failure as something to absolutely avoid rather than something that sometimes happens.

Life’s hiccups keep us humble. And, if we can learn at a young age hiccups are too be expected rather than always holding our breath to avoid a series of hiccups, we might not be so hard on ourselves when lives plan forks off from the plan we are “sure” is the right one. Life has been a good teacher for a few thousand years. It has not always been a fair teacher, but it hasn’t killed off our race yet. I am grateful when I am allowed to watch the consequences of life teach my kids great life lessons….it is why us “anti-cheerleaders” work so hard to be good parents.

Politically Incorrect Voting

Although some may think early voting is unpatriotic, I find it a great way to thumb my nose at all of the ads that will continue to air for almost another 2 weeks. It is my way of taking back some of my TV time from those who think they can buy my vote–my mind has been made up for quite a few weeks now!

To vote, I wore a t-shirt featuring “Noah’s Ark”. Our church has used this as its “Summer Spectacular” theme a few years ago. So, the church and ark were both pretty prominent on the shirt. As I walked up to get myself identified, I presented my ID. (I am in Texas so an ID is required) The following conversation followed:

“I like your t-shirt.”, said the 60ish male with a few tattoos on his arms. His arms were not covered, just a couple.

“Thanks. I wasn’t sure if it would be allowed in the voting area.”, I replied.

“You still live in America, don’t you?”, he countered.

“Sometimes I am not sure.”, I reflected.

“I divorced my wife a few years ago.”, he attempted to change the subject.

“Well, at least that’s not politically incorrect.”, I said with a smile.

After getting my 4-digit code to punch into the machine, I voted on the two issues and then chose the “straight ticket” option. I was done voting prior to the 2 people who started ahead of me. As I walked out, I gave a thumbs up to one of the people representing the school issue.

As it turned out, my attire was far more politically correct than my mouth. I was worried about my shirt while forgetting to attach a “muzzle” to my mouth. I am not saying the voting booth is the place to give some clues to your political colors, but there are many places where we need to stop being fearful. If everyone buys into being “PC”, then the course is laid out for our country. If our conscience is allowed to be trumped by a culture, then we might as well enter a sealed chamber prior to voting (or any other activity citizens of our country are supposed to engage in) and have our conscience sucked out of us. If we are afraid to use our personal moral barometers to direct our daily decisions, we should say our daily prayers as we face Washington DC.

Road Humps or Speed Bumps

Beware of the Road Humps…

Now, that I am becoming accustomed to my new walking route, (our city just put some great walking paths in our neighborhood that tie us into other paths and other neighborhoods) I am getting past the new things…the variety of houses, the barking dogs, the whole new set of bike riders and other pseudo-athletes, and, of course, the road signs.

One of the road signs is an electronic sign that provides the speed of the approaching vehicles. I am not a vehicle or able to walk at a pace to be registered by this device, so it has minimal impact on me.
“No Motorized Vehicles”: It seems this sign is not fully heeded…yet. As the paths are being completed and as vehicles claim access (or they find it a really neat short cut to the park for a place to hide and take an extended lunch) I have had to dodge a few vehicles and yield to them. I could do some “planking”, but I am not sure they would realize I was just laying in the road. Since many of the drivers may not be English speakers, they might take it as their responsibility to fulfill my wishes.
The one that gives me the most pause is “Road Humps”. The irony is this name is it sounds like it is a naturally occurring phenomenon. “We can’t help it. The road just has humps. We fix them and they just go back that way. Depending on temperature, time of day, or weather conditions, the humps may vary. It is more like a rash really. The humps are not worthy of being called “speed bumps”, but it they were, we would change the signage to reflect that fact.”

For me, I see “speed” in the title, and I assume what the sign is warning me against will soon impact my speed in some way. The “humps” in the other name makes we wonder if the road has somehow developed some “camel-envy”. It is trying to mimic a bactrian or dromedary?

I am grateful to be getting more familiar with my walking path. Now, as I walk, my mind can wander and not worry about the next right or left turn. Not always does my mind have a thought that spawns many a random thought. But, when it does, I relish the journey and try not to limit its direction. If growing old allows more freedom in what you can think about , I will look forward to what the next decade of my life will look like!

Lucky Guess

As I was getting my daily allotment of the black mango tea calibrated to the proper level of sweetness, I noticed a older lady filling up her gallon jug of “regular” sweet tea. Not having anything else to do as the tea tap poured out the sweetened nectar those in the south consider part of life, I engaged her in conversation.

“Buying it by the gallon. That’s the way to do it! When you buy it that way it certainly saves you money!”, I stated.

“The tea isn’t for me. It is for my husband. He gets cranky if he doesn’t get his tea.”, she commented.

“It would be a shame if your marriage of 50 years ended because the tea jug wasn’t full!”, I prodded.

“It will be 50 years later this month.”, she replied with a slight look of surprise.

“Really, ma’am, I have no special abilities to know how long you have been married–it was just a lucky guess.”, I defended.

“No problem, young man. I got all of my grey hair honestly. It hardly seems like it has been 25 years.”, she reflected.

“I have been married almost 25 years–they sure go fast. Congrats on staying married that long.”

I enjoyed the conversation with the kind lady. As we went to check out, she was right behind me in the line. I offered to buy her drink and her jug, but she quickly showed me the coupon that was going to get her everything for free.

As I checked out, I commented to the cashier, “Good to see the caterpillar is coming back.” (He had shaved his mustache, and he is sporting a new would-be butterfly on his upper lip.) He acknowledged my comment with a grunt or a smile.

As a work from home dad, I don’t get the routine a person gets who regularly goes to a workplace. I enjoy the conversations I am granted during the course of my day. (Phone conversations are not nearly as rich as those in person.) It is not my goal to be memorable, but it is my goal to leave a smile in my wake. Although I believe I left others during the day, this little errand gave me a couple of smiles as well.

Armadillos In The Bed

No, we didn’t get our flower beds aerated. No my wife and daughters didn’t put on their heels and tramp through the flower beds. We suspect, based on previous observations of early morning armadillo activity, we had some visitors who were looking for a meal. Whatever it may be about our beds, they either presently have some grubs or some grandpa armadillo struck grub gold in the past in our beds.

We don’t have anything valuable enough in the beds to worry about it. Wednesday morning, I noticed a couple holes around the yucca. And, this morning, their were more holes and they had spread out over a wider area. If I go out tomorrow and find they have plugged something into the outside outlet and set up equipment to harvest the grubs, I may take a greater interest in their plans. Otherwise, it is just a story to tell and something to distract us from all of the darn squirrels!!

Relighting The Pilot

Each time the pilot goes out on the water heater, it falls upon the oldest male (me) to get it relit. And, tonight was no exception. If the people who showered earlier in the day would have mentioned the water was not that warm for their showers, I might have been able to avoid the unavoidable “near” shower experience. Unfortunately, I was well along the path to jumping into the shower before I realized my predicament–get an uncomfortable shower over with or have a warm shower and enjoy it? I opted for warm.

When the pilot goes out, I say a silent prayer that I will not blow our house or any of its occupants into a million pieces. It seems relighting the pilot light is so traumatic for me that I need to relearn how to light it every time. With a “grill lighter”, flashlight, and screwdriver in hand, I approach the water heater with all due respect. I reread the directions attached to the side–hanging on every word. I allow the words to fully marinate my brain as I disconnect the necessary water heater pieces so I can have the best possible access to the pilot. I look at the hardware–fully capable of releasing the natural gas that could blow me and my fellow house occupants up if not completely respected–and seek any memory of our previous interactions. As I reread the directions, our past entanglements become slightly less distant memories. I commit to holding the lighter in the “presumed” pilot area. (without the grill lighter I would be dead. When the directions say use a “match”, I go into a semi-panic. I think certainly the spot I have the lighter is wrong. It must be closer to the edge than I am trying to light. Certainly I am going to blow myself up. I shift my prayer to “Please at least protect the downstairs and my family from anything stupid I may do within the next few minutes”….) I push the red button down and watch to see what havoc my lighter creates. Even after my finger cramps, I still find a way to hold the button down. When my lighter finger cramps, I hope the 60 seconds have passed. After releasing the lighter flame, the pilot remains lit; my body remains intact within our attic, and I shift my prayer to “Please keep the pilot lit. Please, please, please!”

Past “lightings” have involved ripped pants, stretching of patience beyond any previously stretched amounts, and hugging of the water heater as I was certain my last moments were upon me. The lighting ritual seems to be an annual occurrence. Sometimes it is the natural gas line freezing shut (pretty rare–when it gets cold, I now wrap the gas meter to discourage this outcome), or as it apparently was today, it was an overly mischievous breeze. I do not ever want to take this relighting for granted, but my muscle memory seems to be much better than the trauma-wiped actual memory. A bit of self-hypnosis before again approaching this task might be a good option. Or, maybe the better option is the gift of a hot water heater blanket to my under-appreciated and only occasional foe.

My Semi-Lucid Camera

No this is NOT a selfie!

As I continue to explore the new paths in our neighborhood, I like to have my camera on my hip. I don’t have a fancy camera, but I have had it for over 4 years. I have used this camera for SO many things:

I have taken pictures of the kids at so many different sporting events, fairs, and other activities.
It has gone on many vacations with the family. It was fastened to my hip for most of our trip to China last year.
I have taken lots of videos of the kids blowing out candles, cooking food, doing quirky human tricks, and a variety of other oddball things that only I would consider entertaining.
I have taken work pictures for eBay, blogs, and whatever other place I needed. I probably through in quite a few videos as well!

As my camera has aged, our affection (I like to think it is shared, but I know he just thinks of me as the annoying guy who pushes his buttons and yanks out his guts [the SD card and the rechargeable battery]) has grown. I have relied on him for all of those special moments that words just would not be able to do justice to. This was how our relationship went for the past few years until last week. He started letting me down more often then not. I missed a few key shots:

The chickens wandering in the front yard along my walk route. There was no fence or anything. Even telling you now, you are going, “Really? There were chickens wandering without a fence. If you had a picture, I might believe you!”
At the cross country meet, I went to snap a few pictures, but the camera still needed to take a nap or something….

Well, I am not stupid. I thought to myself, “I have never bought a new battery for this camera. Certainly that is the problem.” Two days later, I was able to test this theory when the new battery arrived. Initially, I thought it was more than the battery. After I charged the battery, I popped it into the camera and grew to expect this type of result when I wanted to take a picture:

I turned the camera on and prepared to take my picture.
After waiting for the camera to come to life, I aimed it at my intended target.
I was usually greeted by the lense being sucked back into the camera with no desire to help me capture any memories.

Starting this morning (the day after I bought a new camera online w/ an expected delivery tomorrow), the camera seemed to be embarrassed by its recent behavior. It was cooperating about 50% of the time. (As an example, it only took 3 tries to take my first picture.) By the time I got to my 2nd and 3rd desired picture, the camera was “almost” reliable. At my 4th picture, it did make me try twice, but it took the picture without complaining again and it seemed to be ready for more. (It was not easy, but I kind of pictured a dog who was trying to please—his tongue was hanging out and all of his body language was saying, “Let me help. I want to play.”)

At this point, this camera, at best, will be my backup. I am not sure if it is rethinking the whole “death” idea, or if the internal battery needed extra time to recharge off of the newly acquired battery. Whatever the problem was or is, now that the camera has broken my trust, this camera will….soon be in the trash heap. (I completed the last few words after the recent adventure at the state fair.)

At the Texas State Fair, the camera was on my hip, but the camera was barely lucid. He acted like he just left a sanitarium and had no idea what he was supposed to do. He would stick his tongue out at me, and quickly pull it back in. (The lense would quickly suck back in as I tried to take the pictures.) He would pretend to take pictures and leave me disappointed later when I could not find the pictures I was certain he had committed to memory. He was not reliable, and without a good camera, I am better enjoying the moment then fooling around with an electronic device that has made different career plans.

The camera, when acting according to its DNA, takes pictures. Not being an artist, my brain needs a good image to remember all of the subtle details of the camera captured event. A good picture can add color to an otherwise boring description provided by a somewhat overburdened brain. While my active memories only seem available in black and white images, a camera captured image from MY camera can provide my brain the adrenaline boost it needs to propel my descriptions into a color palette that make the events seem like it just occurred.

Fortunately, the new camera awaited me on the front porch when I got home from the fair. It is a little bulkier, and it only came with a manual in Japanese. In its first outing (daughter’s cross country meet), it appears to know what it was designed to do. If it gives me a few years of mostly lucid service, I am eager to trust it with helping me preserve some amount of the past…regardless of how lucid I am when the pictures are reviewed.

Walking Down Life's Road With Andy