A friend informed me they were pulled over today and given a ticket for going 20 miles over the limit. On my evening walk, I had a sighting of a policeman pulling another someone over. Is it a coincidence today is the end of the month and the end of the first half of the year? I am guessing some men in blue were told to hit some numbers and reach their quota. And, no, I was not one of the someone’s who played a part in forming this theory….
Observations
Package Pranks
As I pondering writing this post, I was not sure how to title it OR what stories could be cobbled together to make it work. While they may not all be pranks, it may be better stated as being outside of the norm OR, in one case, the new norm.
Magazine defiling: When I was growing up a few to many decades ago, I used to subscribe to a magazine that attempted to appeal to my teenage mind. This magazine had comic strips, posters, and other things targeting my pubescent mind. As my hand reached into my mailbox on that ancient day, I was excited to pull out a new edition of my magazine. At the mailbox, I glanced over the magazine. A couple of the pages seemed anxious to show me their offerings. Unfortunately, the comics on the back were what my eyes lingered on.
I forget the exact setup of the comic strip. I believe it has two brothers interacting. In this particular one, the younger brother was getting the best of his older brother. (In real life, I have a younger brother.) Amazingly, written under the younger brother in the comic strip was my brother’s name, and under the older brother, my name was written. It was handwritten. I was bewildered how this might have occurred.
Fortunately, the post office employee who attended our church was so proud of himself he could not keep his mouth shut. He admitted to seeing the magazine come through the post office. Apparently, he could not control his mischievous side. I don’t recall whether his desire to be ornery existed when the magazine was picked up OR if the cartoon made his Mr. Hyde emerge. Regardless, he was quite proud of his prank. If only “going postal” was as innocent as his little prank.
Package Delivery: My son works at a popular fast food restaurant. It is literally only a 15 minute walk from the house. It appears this place is quite popular with the local delivery people as well. As a package needed to be signed for the other day, I was working on scribbling out the scratches that constitute my signature. The delivery guy then comments, “Your son told me he would not be home tonight.” I must have given him quite an odd look because he felt compelled to explain. (My son backed up his claims as well.)
“I talk to your son almost every day. When I was going through the drive thru today, I told your son I had a package for you. Your son told me to tease you a little bit. So, that is what I tried to do.”, he said.
My son got a kick out of it when next I talked to him. While he and my relationship is not always perfect, it is a relief to know he puts into practice nearly everything Dale Carnegie taught in his book.
Amazon Delivery: As I sat in my den with a window facing toward the front of the house, I was surprised to hear a car stop in front of our mailbox. As a reluctantly unrepentant nosey person, I observed what was occurring. A very casually dressed female emerged from the car and opened the trunk. She grabbed a package from the trunk before setting back in her car. She did something to the package before walking up the sidewalk and doing the knock/doorbell combo. I opened the door to find my package. It was in one of those really flexible mail bags.
These particular items were ordered two days ago–I believe they were only stocked in Kentucky. Previously, I ordered a computer cable in the morning, and it was delivered in the afternoon. Having received items from Amazon from non-UPS or USPS sources, I became curious how they are doing this. And, a little browsing did make it clear. They have started an “Uber” for package delivery. They call it Amazon Flex. Here are what you can expect and need to work for them:
Why Amazon Flex?
– Flexible hours — Schedule ahead or pick up any available delivery block of time
– Great pay — Make $18/hr
– Available work — Delivery opportunities available 7 days a week
To get started you must be:
– 21 years old
– Have a car and a valid driver’s license
– Have an Android phone
I don’t see myself applying for this or any similar job soon. (My phone is not an Android.) But, it does give options to a variety of people who might not otherwise generate a reliable income. Having watched both of the Amazon Flex deliveries come to my house, I can safely say the individuals did not look like they gave up their business casual jobs just the other day. Their dress indicated they had been building their casual wardrobe for possibly a number of years.
**********
Okay, I admit the three stories got worse as you read through them. I probably could have organized them better or thrown in a couple of completely fictitious stories. This blog has not graduated to heavy fiction yet. With strong encouragement, dementia, or some other activity that either degrades mental capacity OR releases ideas that have been sent via extra-dimensional brain transfer, I hope to achieve a level of reading pleasure far exceeding what is presently produced by my unpredictable finger spasms. If this goal goes unrealized, it is better to set a goal and fail to meet it then to never set a goal at all, right?
Interview With A Vampire
Okay, suggestive titles aside, there really is some truth here–just let me explain! If you can’t stand the wait, she would be an “associate of vampires”, but that is all you are getting from me. You have to read for the rest.
As I was completing my walk today, I walked thru a park that has ball fields, a playground, a dog park, and lots of trees along the edges. As I noted a “new” city vehicle at the park near the trail, I noticed its likely owner emerging from the foliage rolling a grocery cart type thing. I was prepared to pass her without putting my deductive reasoning to the test. Fortunately, I was willing to break my train of thought and begin the interview.
“Collecting this weeks mosquitoes?”, I asked after observing her cart with some netting and articles that seemed to be allowing people to check in but NOT check out.
She seemed to enjoy the interested and lit up. And, then she went into a bit of an explanation. “I drop the traps on Thursday and pick them up on Friday. I don’t know what kind of mosquitoes I have in the basket. I take them to the health department for them to determine that. I do this from the end of March until about Thanksgiving.”
As you are now clearly aware, I was interviewing a vampire handler and NOT the vampire, but if we pretend she is a mosquito whisperer, I am not completely crazy for going down this pathway.
Knowing mosquitoes were being collected in a little white net “basket” within a 1/2 mile of my home, did cause the next few questions. (I did ask in a conversational way, but a summary seems to make the whole thing more concise and readable. She was not a quick talker…)
- Have they found any Zika? No
- What about West Nile? Just last week they found some West Nile in a stagnant creek behind a trailer park. It was a couple miles south of here.
- Do you get bit often?
The biting issue is where I was most intrigued by the conversation. To my question, she answered, “Not to much, but I go through quite a bit of OFF. And, I often use the cheap baby oil/creme from the Dollar Store.”
Knowing there is something that is cheap AND smells better than garlic (trying to keep the vampire theme relevant), did get my attention. I asked, “Do you always use them both OR do you believe the baby creme can work by itself?”
Although her answer took longer to sort out then I had the patience to recapture here, her boiled down reply was, “I have used them both separately and together. Sometimes I forget one of the other. Either one seems to work pretty well by itself.”
So, if you have a fear of mosquitoes and don’t like the smell of OFF or have any tastier humans nearby, consider spending a dollar at the Dollar Store and getting yourself some of this bane to vampire everywhere. I “think” this is the anti-vampire product, but she didn’t have it to show to me. It fits the price point she told me and the packaging description. Good Luck!!
This is what the mosquito gathering apparatus looks like when collecting.
You God-Fearing?
I heard the light tap on the door. Since I was expecting a UPS delivery today, I was probably more obliging than normal. I still peeked out the side window before opening it. The knocker was a safe 6-8 feet away from the door. He did the normal “buttering” up before letting me know he and his “crew” would like to help me trim my trees up. Not being much for butter, I asked him to “cut to the mustard.” We walked around the trees as he told me how he might beautify my yard should he and his basketball team (yes, there was 5 of them) get the opportunity to trim my trees.
As we walked into the backyard and the elm whose middle name is “shade”, I stressed to him the need to make sure he watched out for the existing plants. He assured me he would . Still reluctant to give me a price, he would choose a branch and say, “Yeah, we need to get that one off of the roof.” or “Your neighbor will be grateful if you take out that branch.” As I neared impatience, I finally asked him again for the price. After he provided it, I let him know I was considering it but would like to pay a little less. As he hesitated to respond, I apparently had a wave of conscious overtake me. I simply asked him, “Are you a God-fearing man?” When he said “yes”, I told him to go ahead.
Was it the best trim my little trees have had? Probably not. Was I really impressed with his sales skill and his incredible knowledge of trees? Not really. I guess I was just pulling myself out of the equation and having his Christian confession be the decider….sorta. Should he have said “yes” just to get the business, then maybe there is the chance he will feel a twinge of guilt. I have used trade people in the past who claimed they were Christian on their website or yellow pages ad. The work product did not give evidence of their commitment to fully using their God-given abilities.
If he said “no”, I still might have let him do the work. I think I liked the quickness of his answer rather than the specific answer he gave. Whether his answer was truthful or not, the rest of his basketball team heard his answer as well as I. He is either a committed liar OR he was speaking from strong conviction. His team knows and a God who is much more discerning and knowing then I will hold his conscious accountable to the answer he provided me…..I am trusting Him to do so.
Three White Vehicles
As I was driving my daughters on one of those plentiful summer activities this morning, I noticed 3 white cars in one of our neighbors driveways. (To be more accurate there was a truck, mini-van, and a Camary-ish car) Always one to invite my brain to wander, I tried to think thru the benefits of having 3 white (or any of the same color) vehicles in the family. This is the list I got:
- Vow: Although contrived, there may have been a vow of some type taken in the past. Maybe the vow went something like this, “Because I was so horrible to our goldfish, I will only buy white vehicles the rest of my driving career.” Of course, the vow is likely to have been far more convicting than this one. I erred on the side of humor rather than hitting any nerves.
- Color Blind: Why have lots of colored cars if you can’t distinguish them anyway? Just go with one that your defective eyes can reliable detect every day of the year and twice on Sundays!!
- Family joke: This one might have potential. I had friends once who had two identical cars. One was named “Spot” and one “Stripe”. I could never tell them apart, but the game worked for them. (They also have 4 boys. Back in the day when boys/mens white socks had stripes on them, the mom used this to her advantage. Each boy had socks with a different stripe. If the wrong color stripes showed up in the wrong drawer, it was a sorting error or out right theft.) A son might ask the question, “Which car can I take tonight?” The dad will just say, “Take the white one.” (In Texas, this is probably foolish. Most kids seem to think they deserve their own cars.) It might just be one of those corny jokes that prevents other color cars from being considered.
- Perceived Goodness: Some may want a white car just because it looks more innocent than a red car. The Lone Ranger rode a white horse. So, maybe dad’s Mustang convertible is just part of his lifelong quest to fine a good friend named “Tonto” out there on the range.
- ….most realistic: White cars don’t show dirt as quickly as a dark car. And, for those who don’t like to visit the care watch too frequently, a white car is an excellent addition to your families portfolio of vehicles.
Gender What?
As I recently looked at the “disclaimer” at the bottom of listing on the Monster job site, I saw this in the footer of the job posting….
As an AA/EEO employer, “INSERT NAME OF INSTITUTE OF HIGHER LEARNING HERE” recruits, hires, and promotes qualified persons in all job classifications without regard to age, race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, gender expression, national origin, ethnic origin, disability, genetic information, covered veteran status, or any other basis protected by law.
I guess my old-fashion-ness is showing, but the words “orientation”, “expression” and “identity” seem a little hard to nail down. It would seem any questioning of a persons claims associated with these words tagged on as a suffix would make virtually anything a person does part of the norm. This is not denying the world is a crazy place and circumstances have caused crazy thoughts and patterns to occur in people’s lives. Regardless, with all of these qualifiers, it still seems like we are bending so far over backwards to be inclusive that we have forgotten how to be clear.
Since our genes give us a our gender and we are allowed to question our genetics, it would seem unfair to not be able to change our race, age or color by a simple declaration. Something like, “I, [state your name] declare myself to be a 30 year old, Chinese-American.” (I have no desire to change my gender, thank you.) If someone denies me the right to make this proclamation, wouldn’t they be questioning my right to alter my orientation, expression or identity? They may argue, “Genetically and chronologically, you can’t alter your age or race or color.” That seems quite discriminatory. Why can certain things “baked into the baby” be changed when other things not be changed?
I realize I am not a biologist, psychologist, or a geneticist. I don’t have the scientific background, (beyond my 5 senses–or 4, I don’t think tasting helps unless it has something to do with spicy food. Maybe this should be another protected class. Spicy food can offend some people. I officially propose adding “diet” to the list above. The poor peanut allergy people don’t seem to be adequately protected by the disclaimer.) to assess such important things. But, it seems science has been redefined from what it was a few years ago. I guess the problem is the science of the past was repressive and wrong, so it was reevaluated. (Maybe evolution and the big bang could be given the same scrutiny.)
If we are going to go all in with “disclaimers”, might I suggest the following…
- Diet: (see above) Besides nut allergies, spicy food and a strict vegetarian diet can sometimes have detrimental affects on the office environment, too. I know we are all big enough to hold our noses and not mention it, but it should be explicitly protected.
- Heavy sweaters: I have worked with people who fall into this category. They took great strains to not have people made aware of this fact. The person I am referring to worked in retail. He changed his t-shirt multiple times per day. The secondary effect of his sweating was attempting to control the odor. I know this quality might not come out until a person is hired and working. It still seems unfair not to protect them as well.
- Religious expression: If they endorse the behaviors of one religion and not another religion merely for practicing their faith, then it does seem inconsistent. As a Christian, I try to be flexible with what others believe. How far do I let other religions go in this expression? If it is codified in a neat little generic clause like listed above, the doubters can point but the ambiguity can continue.
- This is not really a specific add on, but maybe it would help clarify. Is it really “law” or is it Presidential decree or proclamation? It seems a little bold referring to all of the issues addressed in the disclaimer as “being protected by law”. (I know some of them have been for many years. Some of them are “hitchhikers” where the law is still unclear.) Would this be natural law? If natural law, some of the issues mentioned above would not seem to qualify. (Gender confusion may allow for short term peace and happiness, but it doesn’t do much for continuing the human race.)
Have I offended or bothered you? It was not my goal, but it was an accepted possibility. I believe we have a right to participate in a work environment that is a positive, encouraging place. If all of the things introduced in the disclaimer above are evident in every work place, I believe there will be to much tip-toeing around trying to be inclusive. If the thought police care more about what you think and don’t say then what is done to fulfill your job description, then maybe staying self-employed is a saner option than being obligated to “endorse” all of the above behaviors. God, please help our country!!
Professional Gravedigging
Were it not for me visiting Hungary last year, I might not of paid any attention to this article. On the surface (and I guess until they get down 6 feet–shouldn’t they be on the metric system? Should it be 2 meters? Does 6 feet just sound like a more impressive depth? Is this just one of those “carry-over” things the metric system could not shake?), it just appears to be a competition. But, after reading the article, it appears the purpose truly runs deeper.
Were I to think about death as a part of my occupation every day OR every day I had a shovel in my hands, I could see myself slipping into a bit of depression. While they don’t literally look into the eyes of death, they are regularly creating a place for a person’s shell to be deposited once life has left it. I don’t consider myself weak stomached, but this is a job I could not take pride in. I suppose the only way to truly “enjoy” the work is to look at your work as honoring the person who has recently passed. I have told my children, “It doesn’t matter what job you have in this world. Whatever it is, do your best.” And, if they are able to do this, I honor them. And, if they are Christians and part of the ritual while digging or refilling is praying for the family of the departed, may their tribe increase.
Something Happened While I Was Sleeping
As I woke up from a less than fulfilling sleep, I sensed something was different. A glanced at my wife’s empty side of the bed and confirmed part of my suspicions. And, as I wondered out into the kitchen, the kitchen was alight with the Memorial Day preparations that the previous days graduation and graduation parties left no time for. The downstairs a/c was off and the doors were open–yesterday’s humidity was apparently less lethal than it was last evening. The swimming pool, somehow, had swallowed an extra inch or so of water. And, my daughters comments of, “The water was over the bridge.”, made me wonder what had occurred.
After breakfast and my feeble attempts to begin some internet research, I embarked on my walk. (Yesterday, I took a one-day sabbatical from walking. While I have convinced myself a daily walk is important, taking a day off seemed to put an extra spring in my step as I emerged from my “walk-fast”–not be be confused with “walking fast”.) The past couple of years in Texas have allowed me to anticipate where my path is susceptible to flooding. And, it has shown me what it looks like when the muddy waters of the creek/crick/man-made-run blend with the lively little brook from across the street. (see above) It has given me fair warning of the places I will need to tiptoe thru (not tulips, but tadpoles seem to frequent this pond. So, literally, I am “tiptoeing thru the tadpoles” as they race under my outstretched feet.) to avoid the pond that has been in almost perpetual “flood” stage for over a year.
All of this rain could be global warming or just a shifting of weather patterns. If the earth is a billion or whatever years old as some claim, certainly she is allowed to be a little fickle and “shake it up” a little bit. While I miss the blue skies and since there are no universities granting any “God” degrees (This would be quite a few degrees over a doctorate–so many degrees, in fact, no human could earn it in multiple lifetimes. Thus, the reason the degree does not exist…just my guess.), we just need to be grateful to the God above who gives us life daily. If you are not getting the life you want, ask Him if He has a better plan than the one you are aiming at. Ask sincerely, and patiently look for the opportunities.
So, what happened while I was sleeping? I am not certain what happened on this day, but I know one thing I need to do daily. (Some days are better than others.) I need to find the optimist who often dwells deep within. The usual “me” dislikes rain and disruption to schedule. The optimist sincerely says, “It’s all good.” and genuinely smiles despite the environment. On this day, the optimist quickly leapt up to claim it as one of his. On other days, the optimist and pessimist have to struggle from moment to moment. Fortunately, I am grateful God has a plan and still loves me even when I struggle and I don’t feel all that lovable.
Insights At The Barber Shop
Not really a barber shop and not really very insightful, but here goes….
As I walked into the local Haircuts R Us, I was very grateful for the pause I took in the driveway. Remembering the online app offered by my “barber”, I found out there was a 3 minute wait at the location. Since I live about 4 minutes away, registering on line worked out well. It worked out even better when I saw the woman walk in with her two sons who had NOT signed in online. The receptionist/scissor-slinger walked me immediately back and began her work.
I had spoke with this woman before. She has talked about her growing up in Romania, and the ongoing problems the country faces. Having spoke to her about religious things in the past, I launched into some issue (maybe LGBT-related) where I was frustrated. After she politely let me finish (the scissors and trimmers shearing me the whole time), she let me know in a whispered voice about the new policy at this establishment. I was told they are no longer able to speak about religion, politics, or any other controversial topic. In hushed tones, she spoke slightly louder than her tools. Since our relationship predated the policy, I was a trusted person she could talk more openly with about those “crazy” subjects that are far more interesting than the weather….
I wish this was an isolated incident. I wish I was confident there was not a shift coming where conversations will need to be deeply guarded to prevent “offending” anyone who feels like they are being ridiculed. As my confidence dwindles, the foundations that our society is built upon are also crumbling. As Americans we all have rights. But, no American has more rights than other Americans–regardless of how loud they yell. I can pridefully say, “I am an American.”, but I continue to wonder if my country will soon be recognizable.
Sanity Check
As I continue to creep into middle age or deny the fact I am already there, I have “moments” where my lucidity is put into question. Have I been told this piece of information before and forgotten it? Have I locked that door?-even though I am 95% sure I already locked it. Have I forgotten some place important I am supposed to be today or forgotten to make a call? It is these doubts that lead me to the paranoia I felt yesterday when my sanity was checked at least 3 times…
- Closet light: When I open my closet door (not a closet shared with my wife), the light automatically comes on. When I close the closet door, I need to make sure it is closed snugly. If I don’t, the door will gradually assert itself and the door will open up fully or at least enough for the light to come back on. (The switch is near the hinges. When the door is open far enough, the switch is no longer pressed.) Once I noticed the light was on in my closet, I searched my brain for which visit to my closet may have caused this failure. Fortunately, a query to the living room where my daughters were sitting received a quick, “I am sorry, dad. It was me.” My brain wins one of the days battles!!
- Van: As I walked out of the house into our garage, I was quite surprised the car was parked so poorly. I knew I had ran errands in that vehicle that morning. And, as far as I knew, I was the last person to drive the car. There were a couple of “things” messed up at the front of the garage that would have become more easily accessible should the care have been backed out. Thankfully, as I walked out the garage entrance, my fears were quickly put at rest. My wife was trying to be a good hostess for my daughter’s class party. She had hauled out the corn hole game after backing out the car. My son and her were playing a round of corn hole. And, it was good they did. None of my daughters friends had an interest. When they were not swimming, they played a game of 4-Square with an egg-shaped ball. (The dog had bit a hole in the “better” ball.)
- Door closed: Since the house was full of “partiers” (AKA swimmers) and with the temperatures not being excessively warm, we were using our screens and not our regular doors…..this was until it was determined the screen were of a design that most people were not able to learn how to intuitively use. Prior to that, however, I walked toward the garage to see the screen was left wide open. With the mosquitoes and flies attempting to join our family and live under our roof, I felt an incredible amount of guilt immediately–I thought for sure-despite the previous false alarms-I finally found evidence of my fluctuating sanity. My son’s presence in front of the dog’s cage provided a near immediate, “Sorry, dad. I forgot to close the door.” While not explicitly requested, the implied need for an explanation was enough to again put my mind at ease.
I list these as examples of how I am certain I am not wandering down a road of mental uncertainty. The problem is the mere writing of this posting gives evidence not all of my decisions are explained away by someone else’s failure. I tend to vote more quickly for, “to much on my mind” rather than a precursor to gaffes related to lessening mental acuity. Should the latter win, my blog will someday provide a daily reminder of the brain I once had. Exciting, huh?
Walking Down Life's Road With Andy 